Cop - Have you been drinking? Me - No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here. Cop - Sir that's a fire hydrant.

cop: "you're drunk, get out of the car." judas: "bbut I've bbeen on tthe water all night." - [jesus whistles innocently]

ELF COP: You have the right to remain splendiferous! Anything you say will be wonderful-funderful! You CRIMINAL: Pls just take me to jail

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street? Me: I was only going one way...

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now! Cardboard Man: sigh not again *cops start breakdancing*

Police officer: When's your birthday? Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy... ten dash four PO: What year? Me: Ugh duh every year

Last night a horse asked me if I was planning on driving home. There might've been a cop on top of it.

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat [me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

In the Walking Dead how and when does the cop guy find time to clean, iron, and press his uniform during the zombie apocalypse?

A cop was outside my house talking to some people and my first thought was "yesss" because I'm nosey.

When police tell you to put your hands up and stop running you can still legally flee with a rapid series of cartwheels.

Cop: can you describe the guy who stabbed you Me: yes, he was not very friendly

[jail] ME: I want my phone call COP: Ok. Make it count ME: [dials payphone] [cop's mobile rings] COP: Hello? ME: Please let me go

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks] "Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat"

Cop behind me just turned. Best unfollow ever.

*police sirens* *Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit* QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN *throws a litter of panda cubs at me*

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don't trust ChristianMingle.

Thinking about becoming a cop just so I have an excuse for being out of shape, lazy and a racist.

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you're finishing a marathon.

"Bob's coming over" Bob from work or Bob who thinks he's a cop? *knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE *flushing drugs down toilet* "Bob from work"

Police caught me leaving Trader Joe's without buying pita & hummus now I'm going to jail

Playing hard to get works with some men but apparently cops call it "resisting arrest."

COP: Know why I stopped you? "Drag racing?" COP: Nope. "Speeding?" COP: Definitely not. "Cuz I'm on a unicycle?" COP: That's the one.

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say "now everybody clap yo hands" he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.