21st century kid on Santa's lap-"Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh"

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I'm dressed as half of a horse.

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can't help eating it.

I bet chickens have mixed emotions about Thanksgiving, because they're safe for a day, but why aren't they good enough for a holiday meal?

*Maybe try dressing up as SpongeBob this Halloween, since you're so self absorbed.* -Me as a therapist

a fun way to save money this christmas season is to change your name and move away

I love Halloween because I can buy 9 bags of Snickers and everyone thinks I'm going to pass them out to kids.

59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.

Halloween is, by far, the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.

If any Americans still feel like emigrating to Canada, can you please bring up some Thanksgiving leftovers?

[On couch, notices it's 6pm] Luckily I don't have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8. *Notices it's February* OH SHIT

Sorry kids, Santa isn't real. If he was, he'd be an obese pedophile, felon, and elf slave owner. Seriously though, Merry Christmas.

Me: Happy Easter! Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It's all a lie! Me: The Jesus thing? Taylor Swift: Ya... Men don't come back after 3 Days!

This is embarrassing but I just noticed that I've been wearing "2006" New Year's Eve glasses for the past decade. :(

Not now, kids. Mommy's boiling the Easter bunny.

Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine's Day. When they answer "dinner", you should say "no...after that".

*gives ex wife's next door neighbour a drum kit for Christmas*

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentine's Day, the side chic is you.

Ever notice Santa brings way nicer shit to rich kids than poor kids? Hey kids ,maybe it's time to do a little Christmas critical thinking.

Pretty sure you can see me practicing my "not all Muslims are bad" Thanksgiving talking points in the bg of a student film in Wash Sq Park.

I won't undo a retweet in case someone finds it offensive. I just knit them onto pillows and give them as Christmas gifts.

An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping. I'm crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

"I got you this for Valentine's Day." [she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside] "I think we should see other people."

Most girls know what they're wearing next Halloween because they saw another girl wearing it last night.