[God, creating pigeons] Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

You shouldn't judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

Judge: how do you plead? Guy: well usually to my wife Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant

Hot singles in your area are looking for an air conditioned indoor court to practice on before their match.

*cops finds my loose floorboard* Cop: What's under here... *they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets* Me: I'd like my lawyer now.

[Spelling Bee] Judge: Your word is 'babe' Bee: B-A-E J: Sorry. There's another 'B' Bee: WHAT! WHERE? *goes crazy* *stings Judge* *dies*

[spelling bee] JUDGE: your word is antonym ME: synonym JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example ME: *lips on mic* i-t

Crazy episode of Judge Judy on right now. This guy was a month late on his rent and she just gave him the electric chair.

Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you. Me: He didn't. But watch this. [I make the doll do a backflip] Judge: Holy shit lol

When I call 911, I'm gonna do a Sean Connery impersonation to briefly amuse the jurors at my trial.

Ever meet those people that say your name in a really high pitched voice to be super annoying? I think I just stabbed one. Call my lawyer.

My attorney's sole responsibility after I die will be to unfriend people that post anything about angels on my wall.

The trouble with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don't think they're funny, & nobody else thinks they're jokes.

Your honor, may I approach the bench? Judge: You may *benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps* The defense rests

Maybe ask the judge if your sentence is in dog years or regular years and they'll prob just laugh and let you go you got tweets to write man

Tim Cook has announced that he's gay. Samsung just filed a lawsuit claiming they came out of the closet 3 years ago. #Apple

Lying on my bed struggling to squeeze into jeans The dog comes in to show emotional support ... followed by the cat, who came to judge.

An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

I wonder whether Bankruptcy Court would be more fun if they reversed their Rs like Toys R Us.

Judge: *whispering* pls stop introducing yourself like this just because u work in my chambers it doesn't m- Me: YES HI IM HIS CHAMBERMAID

3:Mommy why do I have to wear a coat, it's not that cold out!? Me:So other Moms don't judge me and talk shit, Buddy.

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you've never been married and you love spending time with him?

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury... Cher would be nothing without the great Sonny." - Pro Bono Lawyer

"Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?" "we... can't find him at all" "DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH"

Cop: You were speeding. Me: Objection your honor. Cop: I'm not a judge. Me: Permission to approach the bench. Cop: What? Me: Sustained.