If you ever see a tweet that says "www@google.com", that's my grandma trying to use the internet. Leave her alone.

WIFE: OMG how did grandma's ashes get knocked off the mantel? ME: Actually I think it was- *cat makes throat slice gesture* -the wind

Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion. Totally ruined Grandpa's 90th birthday.

My retirement plan is pretty much dependent on the Mayans being right.

I hate people who have a great timing with jokes. When I do it I get responses like "Who are you and why are you at my grandma's funeral?"

Still laughing about that time my grandmother said God told her to put my grandfather in an asylum because he was hearing voices in his head

*Ouija board begins spelling* H-A-V-E_S-O-M-E "Ooooh, spooky" G-R-A-N-D-C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N "Dammit Grandma, haunt someone else"

My grandmother reads obituary column in the newspaper everyday. It is pretty much like searching for your childhood friends on Facebook.

I told my grandmother to act her age.... then she died.

[funeral] Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring? *sliding it off his finger* Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe...

[giving grandmother's eulogy] But on the plus side, that's the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

"420 blaze it faggot" "grandma stop" "snapback" "stop trying to be hip grandma" "i have hip problems yolo swag drake"

[grandma's house] Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me? Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.

Me: ugh I have to wear a tie today, adulting sucks. Grandpa: I had to fight in World War II when I was 19. Me: I guess you kind of get it.

I scream, You scream, We all scream Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

No Grandma, he has a hair piece, not herpes

*draws a sharpie mustache on my grandma* lol you cant hang loser. passin out w/ shoes on? rookie "Sir please step away from the casket"

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have! Grandma: You're my least favorite grandchild

"The secret is that it's all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something

You'd be shocked at how easy it is to walk into a nursing home and draw mustaches on the dementia patents

My grandma warned that boys only want one thing from me. So I hid my PlayStation 3.

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick's Day this year with a quiet dinner at home. Me: Yea, the nursing home...

Fixing my grandma's computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

A friend's father had been using LOL to mean lots of love. This explained such messages as "Your grandmother's in the hospital. LOL."