[landlord showing new tenant around] "No smoking allowed" "How about pets?" "That's fine" [dog walks in and lights up] "We'll take it"

[day 1] hello, world [day 2] bit less wobbly today [day 7] making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho [day 26] turns out i'm a hippo

sheep: "why do we all look the same?" other sheep: "it freaks me out tbh" another sheep: "i dont even know which one of us is me"

"I'm a vegetarian but I eat fish." - People who don't get how definitions work.

Our dog runs away so much, I'm just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

PIG: "I'm paranoid everyone's trying to turn me into bacon" PSYCHIATRIST: "I'll cure you" PIG: "Oh God, not you too"

Dance like no one's a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat's sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

Ever seen a horse with a carrot on a stick dangling over its head? Last night on the treadmill's TV, I saw an ad for Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Cat 1: Are the humans asleep? Cat 2: It appears so. Cat 1: I shall now sing the anthem of my people.

When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up? This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.

Me: Speak. C'mon, boy, speak. Dog: No, I'm mad at you.

1:40am. I get up to pee and step on a squeaky dog toy. He grabs a bat by the bed and yells, "Fried chicken!" So are the days of our lives.

My niece asked me what it's like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

I'm just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

Unroll wrapping paper. Shoo cat away Turn to get gift Shoo cat away Get tape Dammit cat Get tape Wrap up cat Wrap up gift Pet cat

Bird of peace? The dove Bird of war? The hawk Bird of true love? ..wait for it... .... The swallow *walks offstage

*hears someone breaking in* *grabs gun and walks down hallway* *cord drags* *realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt* *gets shot*

My boss just sent me the heart eyes emoji. Since we're clearly being honest with each other I replied with a monkey with a gun to its head.

Movie Idea: Michael Cera falls down a spiral staircase then pets a cat.

Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog's poop.

WIFE: get down here! ME: *from telephone wire* I'm with my friends WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings? ME: *to bird next to me* they're real

It's kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day! DR DOG: You're joking, right?