Bert Jokes

What did Ernie say when Bert asked him if he wanted some ice cream? Sherbert. (I can't take credit for this amazing piece of comedy. Heard it from a friend, no idea if he came up with it or not.)

A woman went to a séance. "Is there anybody out there?" asked the medium, and a small voice replied in the affirmative. "Is that you, Bert?" asked the woman. "Yes," he replied. "Are you all right?" "Yes, I'm fine," replied the voice. "What's it like where you are?" "It's great," he said. "Today I went swimming and did a bit of fishing." "You never did any of that while you were alive." "No. But I wasn't a duck then."

A Company director was giving a speech to thank Bert for his 38 years service. He said "Bert is a man who doesn't know the meaning of words like lunch break or impossible task. This is why we have all put in to buy him a dictionary as a leaving present.

A man on his deathbed calls over his wife of 60 years. “Alice” he gasps, “my dying wish is that after six months of my passing, you marry Bert from next door.” “But you said that you have always hated Bert” said Alice. ”Oh I do dear, I do!”

Bert and Madge have been married for 60 years and still hold hands whenever they go out. When Bert was asked about this, his reply was simple. ”When I let go, she's off to shopping!”

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. “Doctor,” he said sadly, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog’s tail.” The vet stepped back, “Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?” “Because my mother-in-law’s arriving tomorrow, and I don’t want anything to make her think she’s welcome.”