My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

Kobe Bryant's Wife filing for divorce. I bet somewhere right now Kim Kardashian is plotting..

*wakes up to wife and son screaming* me: What are you guys yelling about? them: YOU'RE DRIVING

THERAPIST: what's the problem? WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me ME: I don't do it on porpoise