NURSE: Doctor, I've lost the cat's pulse VET: Ok. Time of death is 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, and 10:05

[hospital] "Did my dad make it, doctor?" Billy, your dad's in a better place now. [crying] "HE'S DEAD?" Haha no, he went to Disney World.

I probably would have been a pretty good doctor, until I found out that I still get paid if the people die. Then I'd just be like, whatever

When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn't know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.