told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she's coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

Every chef on Chopped's like "I was medically dead for 3 yrs & my wife married the guy who pushed me off that bridge. My specialty is bao."

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I'm gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!