I just watched one bird chase another bird from tree to tree for five minutes. It was probably over a stolen tweet.

Even scarier than seeing a shark fin in the water is seeing a lion mane, because you know the chase isn't over once you reach land.

Three girls are trying to escape the police. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead when they finally think they're in the clear. Relieved, they stop at the shops. The brunette goes to the pet store and buys a cat, and the redhead buys a dog, while the blonde goes to the supermarket next door and buys a sack of potatoes. They return to their car, and the police have resumed chase. They pull over and the brunette says, ''I know! If we make the noise of the animal we bought they might not catch us!'' …

A young nurse is hired at a Glasgow hospital. Towards the end of the shift, he is assigned to a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease. He goes to greet the first patient. ""Hello, sir, how are you today? Is there anything I can do for you?"" The patient replies, ""Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."" The nurse is confused but smiles, checks the man's bedpans and greets the next patient. ""Hello …