WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux? ME: u said to groom him WIFE: i meant brush ME: oh...sorry buddy, wedding's off DOG: this is bullshit

Three friends die and go to heaven.. ..when they get there, they see St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter greets them and tells them that to enter heaven they must each answer one question, completely honestly. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks him if he ever cheated on his wife. The man tells St. Peter, ""I never cheated on my wife, I loved her everyday of my life."" St. Peter then welcomes the man into Heaven and tells him because of his faithfulness he gets to drive a Rolls Royce …

3 men die and go to heaven. (different joke) They arrive at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says, ""To determine whether you get to enter heaven or hell, you must state how you died. The first man steps forward and says,""Well, I was on my balcony of my 32nd story apartment. I was leaning on the railing, and it snapped off. I fell down, and lucky grabbed hold of the railing of the apartment below me. Then, some crazy guy came out of the apartment and pushed me off, and I fell to the concrete belo…

Guy dies and goes down to hell.... He's standing a a big red room when a door opens and Satan walks in, ""Hi, Lucifer Mourningstar, how you doing buddy? Take a seat, how ya doing?!?"" ""Not good man, not good at all"" the guy says, ""Why not good?"" Satan asks... ""Well I'm here, and you're you... This is just not good"" Satan replies, ""Nonsense! What day is it today?"" ""When I died it was Monday..."" Satan offers him a cigar, ""do ya smoke?"" ""Yeah man! ...oh that's probably why I'm here, sm…