"Because Im a goddamned rock star!" wasn't the answer my boss was looking for as to why I was late to work, lesson learned.

A math teacher went to school drunk... He told the class that they were going to learn derivatives and then proceeded to pass out. He was removed from the school and fired immediately. The lesson? Don't drink and derive

Three criminals meet in a restaurant... Three career criminals, each of them burglars, were meeting in a restaurant to discuss recent developments in their work. The first thief shook his head a little bit, giving his water glass a forlorn frown. ""The market for gems has dried up. What little I manage to get my hands on is hard to sell, and what money I get seems to flitter away before I know what I've done with it. It is impossible to make a dishonest living these days."" The second thief shoo…

Farewell Daddy A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story & listened to her prayers which ended by saying: ""God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma & good-bye Grandpa."" The father asked, ""Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"" The little girl said, ""I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."" The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed & listened to her pra…