July 5th, 1776: The day the British drunk-texted America and said they still loved them.

*Snowstorm on it's way* America - we need to stock up on bread and milk! Canadians - better hit the beer store.

A liar, a cheat, and a bigot walked into a bar... ""Let's make America great again!"" he said.

Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.