Me: BARTENDER! Bring me another beer. Him: Mom, I'm doing my homework. Me: *claps* Star! Him: I hate Twitter. Me: *belch* blocked.

Two Parents Want to Adopt a Child... so they head down to adoption agency. They say to the matron, ""We'd like to adopt a child please."" She responds, ""Well, we only have one child left. And he's a head."" ""What?"" ""He has no arms or legs. He's really just a head, poor thing."" But the new parents decide they want him anyway. So they take him home, and he has a great childhood. He does well in school, learns to overcome his disability, and his parents support him. Eventually, he turns 21 and…

Jack A husband rushes into the emergency room from work to greet his wife who is giving birth to their first born. He helps all he can; he holds his wife's hand and breathes with her through the pain. The doctor claims to see the head. The husband runs around and watches as this bloody, mess of a human being comes out... However, the doctor pulls out a head. Just a head. The husband jumps in confusion. The wife is silent in shock. The doctor has never seen anything like it. Just when the married…

More than just lightly drunk. A lamp comes home one night from the bar. It unties its shade from its ponytail. The lamp messes around doing foolish things around the house. The son asks her to help with his his homework. After many attempts, the lamp gives up with the problem, 2+2. The son asks, ""Mommy, what's wrong? You're not bright today."" To which the lamp replies, ""Sorry Ray, I need to check my head, I'm completely burnt out."" She collapses on the floor, and can't stand up, so she calls…