I got a flyer in the mail that said "Get into a new car no questions asked!" Bullshit... my neighbor still asked WTF I was doing in his BMW.

I just saw a black guy driving a BMW and doing the speed limit. I'm following him until he pulls over b/c I know he has drugs in the car.

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn't help but admire it. ""Nice car,"" I said as he got out. ""Well,"" he said, noticing my admiring looks, ""Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have an even better one next year.""

My Dad turns 50 this weekend and I'm speaking, need some 50th birthday jokes/one liners/roast (xpost from /askreddit) Some bullet points about my Dad: * Has a BMW trophy car * Loves golf * Loves Steak * Is a Republican (I'm very progressive/liberal) * Balding (but so am I...) * His shoulder and knee have needed surgery * Worked everyday of his life since he was 15 * Raised 3 kids * Has 5 grandkids * Just got into wine and thinks he is a connoisseur * Makes homemade ice-cream that he always pawns…