Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend. Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good... good. You're all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

In a car crash a dog would rescue you. However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.