A man dies, and goes to heaven When he arrives, God and his family come to greet him. 'Jerry' God says, 'you have been good all your life, but there is one sin you have committed - you have killed a deer, and had it stuffed. But before you did that, you and your family had the nerve to do indecent things to it before it's death. You Jerry, have cut off its legs before it died. Therefore, you must lose your legs if you wish to enter.' Jerry was quite reluctant, but did not want to be denied to en…

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

WIFE: get down here! ME: *from telephone wire* I'm with my friends WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings? ME: *to bird next to me* they're real

Txt from wife: where r u Me:kitchen Wife:can u feed cat M: I mean garage W:bring in laundry M:bathroom W:clean toilet M: Idaho W:get potatos