When I was a kid. I used to come home drunk & beat my Dad.

*Maintains eye contact with the soccer mom feeding her kid organic kale chips while giving my kid a snickers bar.

A little boy... Nfw'ish So a little boy ran past a cop screaming bloody murder so the cop grabs him by the arm and settles him down. Holding onto his shoulders he look in the boys tear stained eyes and asks ""son what happened?"" The boy snivels up a snot bubble and answers the cop ""Well officer you see my mom always told me to never look at women more beautiful then her or else i would be turned to stone like medusa"" The cop puzzled asks ""ok but why were you screaming?"" The replies ""well i…

Two Parents Want to Adopt a Child... so they head down to adoption agency. They say to the matron, ""We'd like to adopt a child please."" She responds, ""Well, we only have one child left. And he's a head."" ""What?"" ""He has no arms or legs. He's really just a head, poor thing."" But the new parents decide they want him anyway. So they take him home, and he has a great childhood. He does well in school, learns to overcome his disability, and his parents support him. Eventually, he turns 21 and…