""Knok Knock "" -""Knok Knock."" =""Who's there ?"" -""Grandad"" =""Shit, stop the funeral"" credit: Gary Delaney

At my funeral I want a dozen doves recaptured.

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It's what he would have wanted.

"Uh-oh!" - My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog