My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that's pretty cool

man drives his father casket back to mexico... Man puts the casket in his truck and hauls his father from oklahoma back and gets pulled over in texas. State trooper pulls him over. He asked the man for his license and registration with proof of insurance. Man pulls out his credentials and hands it to the state trooper. Trooper looks at the license. ""Sir your license is expired. And so is your insurance. What do you have in the truck?"" ""A coffin with my father in it."" Trooper says. ""He expir…

A big Texan was in a NY bar and got a phone call... A big Texan was in a NY bar and got a phone call. After he hung-up, he excitedly yelled, ""Hey y'all! The drinks are on me! My wife just had a baby boy!"" Everybody ordered drinks, making toasts, congratulating the proud new father. The bartender bought the Texan daddy a drink ""...so, a baby boy, that's great!"" The Texan beamed, ""Yep! Weighed in at 18 lbs!"" The bartender was shocked, ""Did you say 18 lbs? Wow! Never heard of a baby weighing…

Damned Italian Ices Down in Austin, Texas, Guido's father and now Guido had operated a neighborhood ice cream parlor for many years. Having an idea about how to increase his business, Guido put up a prominent sign outside the business announcing, ""Next Week Italian Ices Will Be Here!"" Overnight people in the neighborhood were up in arms. They organized a protest and boycott. Their spokesman told a reporter, ""We heard about them damn ICES terroists on the FOX news and we won't stand for foreig…