My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that's pretty cool

Balls to you. A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a well-off family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?' The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished. Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink …

Daddy calls home in the middle of a work day ""Hello?"" ""Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"" ""No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Philip."" After a brief pause, Daddy says, ""But honey, you don't have an uncle Philip."" ""Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."" ***Brief Pause*** ""Uh, okay then honey, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy…

We were driving past the graveyard and my dad asks: ""Do you know why I can't be buried there?"" ""Why not?"" ""Because I'm not dead yet, Son.""