Jim lamented to his friend Larry that all the excitement had gone out of his marriage. "That often happens when people have been married for ten years, like you," said Larry. "Have you ever considered having an affair? That might put a bit of life back into your relationship." "No, I couldn't possibly do that," said Jim. "It's immoral." "Get real," said Larry. "This is the twenty-first century. These things happen all the time." "But what if my wife found out?" "No problem. Be upfront. Tell her …

Wife: We need to go to the store. We're out of milk. Me: We can wait a few days. Wife: We're out of beer. Me: *dives in the car*

[car dealership] WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k ME: we'll double that

*wakes up to wife and son screaming* me: What are you guys yelling about? them: YOU'RE DRIVING