Wife: We need to go to the store. We're out of milk. Me: We can wait a few days. Wife: We're out of beer. Me: *dives in the car*

*wakes up to wife and son screaming* me: What are you guys yelling about? them: YOU'RE DRIVING

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy] *raises hand* What if I draw a peanut on her napkin? Wife: Please go wait in the car

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest] "What did the priest have to say?" "He said you have to stop rapping over the choir."