the Barroom delivery A very pregnant teenager walks into a bar. Being that it is around 10 in the morning, the bar, aside from the bartender is empty. the teenager walks up to the bar and says ""Give me a drink. I need to kill this thing inside of me"" The bartender is pretty taken back by this. she's clearly underage, and, from the mascara running down her face, is distraught. ""I'm sorry,"" replies the bartender. ""but there's no way I'd ever serve a pregnant woman a drink and no chance in hell that I would provide alcohol to a minor."" The teenager begins to yell at him "" you have no idea what its like! my boyfriend left me for another girl on the cheer-squad, my parents kicked me out of the house, and I had to drop out of school in order to support myself at the meat packing facility. not only that, BUT I'M PREGNANT AND AN ALCOHOLIC. HOW DARE YOU ...."" all of a sudden, her water broke. ""O my god, the baby is coming . . "" ""well let me call the hospital for you"" ""NOOO. the baby is coming right now!"" the girl wretched over in pain. she was screaming now. the bartender was also becoming incredibly nervous. he had never dealt with anything like this before. almost impulsively however, he grabbed a bottle of vodka and poured it all over the bar.... to sterilize it. ""okay get on the bar. we're going to deliver this baby. and we're going to deliver it right here!"" the bartender grabbed her from benieth both of her arms and hoisted her onto the bar. he then took off her ratty High school sweatpants and underwear. she was dilated already in the midst of huffs, the teenager asked "" have you done this before?"" the bartender didn't respond to that question but said "" I need you to breath deeply and push! lets do it at the count of 3. 1...2....3!"" ""but I don't want to have this baby!"" ""YOU WERE BORN TO! YOU WILL BE A GREAT MOTHER! I KNOW IT!!"" **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH** after 4 hours of screaming and labor, the baby began to come out. ""I can see its head. you're doing great . . .just a little further"" "". . . does he look beautiful?"" ""Absolutely. .. NOW PUSH!"" after thirty additional minutes, the bartender held the newborn baby. he used one of the bar towels to clean off the child and handed him over to his mother. she was crying... but out of joy. "" my god, he is so beautiful. thank you so much for delivering my child. it means the world to me. there must be something I can do to repay you...."" and then she had an epiphany. "" I want to name my son after you. . . what's your name?"" ""My name . . .well . . . my name is *Clowny Magoo*"" *because he was a clown!*