A woman tells her husband Fred that if he doesn’t stop getting wasted, she’ll leave him. He takes her seriously and hasn’t had more than one drink in a day for over a month. But he has a bad day. He decides to go to a bar and have one drink. He trusts he can stop, and his wife will never know. But of course, one turns into two, which turns into three…and before he knows it, he’s absolutely wasted. Finally the bartender says, “Fred, you have to go home. I called you a cab. Maybe your wife won’…

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, she's still alive.

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest] "What did the priest have to say?" "He said you have to stop rapping over the choir."

ANIMAL CONTROL: what the hell were you thinking ME: releasing birds at a wedding is romantic ANIMAL CONTROL: you released ostriches