Went to take out money from the ATM and hit Espanol by accident.It replied, 'Nice try, you don't get paid until all the onions are chopped'.

My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.

I got tired of resetting all my clocks after all the power outages this week. Today I woke up at the crack of random, blinking time o'clock.

I just said, "who the hell is calling here at 9 o'clock at night?" and I died a little on the inside.