One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said "death or becoming a pirate king" and he threw my cat Alan at me

Balls to you. A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a well-off family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?' The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished. Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink …

Sailor walks up to a Pirate in a bar... ...offers to buy the pirate a drink if he tells him the tales of his hook, pegleg, and eye patch. The pirate agrees, but to one drink per tale. Sailor buys him a drink, and says, well, why don't you start with the pegleg? Pirate takes a long swig, leans forward and says ""SHARK!"" Sailor nods... opens his mouth, and the pirate interrupts him ""...as I said, shark took me leg; we was in heavy seas, attempting to take a ship, I be slashed and spashed o'r the…

I visited an old, abandoned fairground yesterday... My whole family advised me not to. ""Don't go near the rollercoaster"", said my mum. ""Why?"" I asked. ""Remember... the story of how it is haunted by Runaway Tom... a ghost that is said to tie his victims to the track and have the rollercoaster run over them."" ""Don't go near the pirate ship,"" said my sister. ""Why?"" ""Because it is haunted by Cut Throat Greybeard... a ghost who will hang you and slice you..."" ""And don't go into the hall …