Just some funny one-liners 1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back. 3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once. 4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. 5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. 6. Never answer an anonymous letter. 7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better. 8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 9. Always go to …

A Black Widow joke Q: How do you kill a Black Widow? A: You take away her food stamps Was told his one at a family reunion, don't know how old but thought it was funny as hell!

In Hell Demon: Why so glum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell! Demon: It's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! Guy: Gee that sounds great! Demon: You a smoker? Guy: You know it! Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tue…

ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is …