This joke gets told EVERY Thanksgiving... Might as well (re)post it here. ""How to cook a turkey"" ""How to cook a turkey"" Step 1: Go buy a turkey Turkey Dinner Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD Step 3: Put turkey in the oven Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens Cup of Beer Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink Step 7: Turn oven the on Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky Step 9: Turk the bastey Alcoholic Beverage Step 10: Whiskey another bottle o…

A guy dies and goes to Hell. He's extremely upset upon finding out where he's going, but Satan says, "Hey! Hey! Don't worry about it! Actually we get a lot of bad press. Really, it's not so bad. For example, do you like to drink?" "Well, yeah," says the man. "Great! You're going to love Mondays! All we do is drink. Every kind of liquor. Beer, wine, rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, champagne, all the best stuff. It's all free, and you can drink as much as you want, and you get all buzzed but you nev…

Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I'm some sort of amateur? *googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*

Fail-proof diet: cut sugar, fats, pasta, alcohol, bread and wrists.