A few one liners from over the years If you can't be kind, at least be vague Before the invented baseballs, how did they measure hail Rehab is for quitters If you don't go to other people's funerals, then they won't go to yours I've got three wonderful children. 60% isn't too bad If your not part of the solution, your part of the precipitate Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life Always remember your unique, just like everyone else Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm Lead me not into temptation I can find the way myself I intend to live forever, so far so good My software never has bugs it just develops random features Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly and for the same reason Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things Somedays your the dog and others your the hydrant Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die He doesn't have a beer belly, he has developed a liquids grain storage facility Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM If we aren't supposed to eat animals whys re they made of meat If its tourist season why can't we shoot them