Queen Elizabeth is celebrating 60 years on the throne. I assume it was something she ate.

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, but are told only one can get into the pearly gates. St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. Elizabeth takes out a douche bottle and douches herself. St. Peter asks Dolly what makes her special enough to get into Heaven. Dolly opens up her shirt and flashes her chest. St. Peter lets Queen Elizabeth in instead of Dolly, because a royal flush always beats a good pair.

Dad, is Santa real? There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has a…

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin make phone calls George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished th…