Bang ! An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103, leaving behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

George and Martha, a retired couple from Texas are traveling across the United States in their big Cadilac. Martha has a headache and is lying in the back seat. She is also half deaf. They pull into a full service gas station and a young man comes running out to take care of them. Attendant: ""filler up for you sir?"" Geroge: ""yeah that would be great"" Martha : ""WHAT'D HE SAY GEORGE?"" George: ""HE SAID DO I WANT A FILL UP"" Martha: ""oh"" Attendant:""check your oil for ya?"" George: ""yeah, …

Train Conductor (long joke) A train conductor was recently hired out of Texas. It was his first day on the job. Unfortunately an accident occurs and he ends up running over a group of Elderly People on a tour bus, killing everyone on board. He is arrested for Murder and is convicted to death. For his last meal he requests a banana, and is given one. The next day he is given an electric chair, and he survives. The prison guards are in awe. Thinking this was enough punishment, the let him free. B…

An elderly man in Texas calls his son in New York... and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, w…