I just ate an entire bag of Werther's and now I'm 80 years old, own a floral couch, smoke Virginia Slims, got a perm and my name is Shirley.

What did they tell the most famous child actress from the 30's when she tried to audition for a role in Harry Potter? Shirley you can't be Sirius.

Doug comes home very drunk one night... He sneaks upstairs to his bedroom and passes out next to his wife, Shirley. All of a sudden, his room fills with a bright light and hovering over the foot of the bed is an angel. Doug is very frightened and has no idea what is going on. The angel says, "Doug, don't be afraid. I am come to tell you that you are dead. You died of alcohol poisoning." Doug is upset, scared, saddened, everything all at once. "Dead? I never even got to say goodbye to my…

MY WIFE IS A LIAR! 'That wife of mine is a liar.' said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. 'How do you know?' the friend asked. 'She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley.' 'So?' the friend replied. 'So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!