My girlfriend's dog came running up to us for a cuddle. "I love you Freddy," she said, stroking his fur. "I love him more than you," I replied. She said, "I don't think so, I definitely love him most." I said, "You misunderstood me."

[breaking up with girlfriend via the jumbotron] "Hey, check out the scoreboard while I grab a hot dog."

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend. Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died? Me: Damnit Facebook not now. FB: Sorry... FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.