*Sees dead cat on the road. Walk it off buddy, you got 8 more.

[in bed] "No, I'm serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?"

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

Two guys are hiking in the woods... Two guys are hiking in the woods when one gets bit on the asscheek by a snake. His friend calls 911 and asks what to do. The responder says to put his mouth on the bite and suck the venom out. He promptly hangs up the phone and his friend says ""what did they say"" He replies, ""You're gonna die buddy""