A man is unhappy with his wife... but he doesn't want to divorce her, because she'll get half of his money and assets, so he goes to the mafia to see about getting a hit put out on his wife. The mafia agrees to do it and tells him it will be $50,000. The husband says, ""I don't have that kind of money."" He was then told to go see Tony, who was retired from the mafia, but still did work on the side occasionally. He tells Tony his situation. Tony agrees to do it and asks for $20,000. Once again, …

My grandma sent the entire newspaper to me in the subject line of an email.

[family game night] Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now? Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

Fun Fact: I love it when Americans whose Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather emigrated from Ireland say "I'm Irish". No.