A Democrat wakes up after being in a year-long coma... ...and immediately calls the doctor over to his hospital bed. ""Doctor, I need to know; who won the election? Was it Sanders? Clinton?"" The doctor shakes her head. ""Let me put it this way: there's good news and there's bad news."" ""What's the bad news?"" the Democrat asks. ""Donald Trump is the President-elect, and has appointed a climate change denier as the head of the EPA, a close friend of Vladimir Putin as Secretary of State, and a b…

Vladimir Putin Speech Vladimir Putin is giving a speech in Moscow. He is praising his government for bringing economic prosperity to the nation of Russia. "In my government every citizen has a television set and an automobile to drive!" He says to thunderous applause. Once the applause subsides, a hand goes up near where Putin is and he notices. He calls out to the man whose hand is raised and says, "What is it that you wish to say, citizen?" The man begins to speak to Putin and the crowd quie…

Vladimir Putin was practicing a eulogy speech for an assassinated Russian politician in front of a mirror... (ahem) "He was a dear patriot and credit to the Motherland, whom I personally adored as a friend and colleague. I vow, as leader of Russia, to find the culprits responsible for this vicious murder..." Putin then stopped and turned to his aide. "Are you sure this strikes the right tone, Yuri? I mean, in terms of timing? I've been a bit preoccupied, so remind me, when was he killed?" …

Vladimir Putin confronts his speechwriter after giving a speech. “You said my speech would be 15 minutes long, but I had to speak for 45 minutes!” Putin exclaims. His speechwriter replies: “Mr President, I gave you three copies.”