Free shipping? I walked into an airport with two bags: "I want this one to go to Chicago, and this one to go to Paris." "Sir, you can't do that." "Why not? It happened the last time."

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

Paris is suing Fox News for repeatedly insulting it. Also suing them for the same reason: your intelligence.

I'm going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint "Welcome to chicago" on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.