A man died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate, the man saw an enormous wall covered with clocks. He asked St. Peter, what's with the clocks? St. Peter explained that everyone was assigned a clock, and each time they told a lie, the clock would move ahead one minute. The man saw a clock at straight up 12:00. He asked whose clock that was. St. Peter replied, Mother Theresa, she never told a lie. Another clock showed 12:02. He was told it belonged to Abe Lincoln. The man asked, where's Hillary'…

Bill Gates suddenly dies... ...and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go." Bill p…

Who the hell names food anyway? I recently started a new job and soon realized that some crazy fool was giving names to all of the food in the break room refrigerator. Today I had a tuna sandwich named 'Bob'.

SIXTY NINER anybody? A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oo…