What are your best "If I had ____ for every time..." jokes? Two of my favorites are: 1. "If I had a dollar for every existentialist moment I've ever had...Does money even matter?" - Can't remember the comedian. 2. "If I had a quarter every time a hobo asked me for spare change, I'd still say no" - Bo Burnham

Apparently for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents. That's not fair. Why is the man only left with 30? Credit to Bo Burnham.

What do you call a boy with no arms and an eye patch? Names! -Bo Burnham

Hey guys do you believe in the Zodiac? I do , I'm a Leo , I loved Titantic. Ironically,my grandmother was a cancer and she was killed by a giant crab . EDIT : Yes this is a Bo Burnham joke , I just want people to enjoy it before people call me out.