My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don't know what is real anymore!

8 year old daughter: I wish I had been born a twin Me: You were a very hungry fetus- Wife: Ok that's enough time with Dad for today

"Come on man! I'm sure your superpower is cool! Show me! "Ok" *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right." "Wow um..neat..."

Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

Maths joke: if you have a pizza with radius z and thickness a, it's volume is pizza (or pi*z*z*a)

"I'm so hungry, I could eat a human baby." Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned "Corn-fed organic of course, I'm not a monster."

Rio declares state of emergency just before Olympics. That's like inviting people to your house for dinner but you have no food. Or house.

my anaconda don't want none unless you got snake food this time. last time u tried to feed him buns but the carbs are bad for him

Stomach: I'm hungry. Brain: Chill out, dude, she's in a meeting. Stomach: I WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE A WHALE'S MATING CALL.

I come to Twitter for the recipe trading, but I stay for the overt racism!

diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan

Go to a Mexican restaurant, get a table for two, tell them you're waiting for your date & then eat free chips & salsa for 7 years.

I'm so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

I recently bought one of those Dutch ovens, but everything I cook ends up tasting like farts.

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive. Now picture them holding a pizza box.

I bet other insects hate it when they ask a caterpillar how she became a butterfly, and she's all, "Just diet and exercise, guys!"

I'm in a Japanese restaurant. I shit you not. They have a vegetable tempura appetizer called "Mushroom Cloud." I'm afraid to order it.

Probably a good thing I'm not a ghost cause I'd just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.

Nothing says authentic Chinese food like a neon "We Delivery" sign.

We see you, guy who "doesn't want any pizza," contributes no money, then eats 6 slices when it arrives. We see you, and God sees you.

The hardest thing about working in a restaurant is that your throat is always dry from spitting in everyone's food.

Pizza Rolls are just Hot Pockets for midgets