All my punishment tactics against my 8 year old were in vain until I threatened to transfer her most valued Pokemon to the Professor

- I'm your son's teacher and I'm calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar. - And a damn good one. I don't have any sons.

- Dad, why don't we visit Greece to see pyramids? - Son, why don't we visit school to see your geography teacher?

I failed my Driver's test. Driving teacher: "What do you do at a red light?" Me: "I usually respond to texts and check my Twitter."

Evidently, trying to schedule parent/teacher conference over drinks and "we'll see what happens" is considered inappropriate.

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher... To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire. Coming soon to AMC: "BAKING BRAD"

ME: Who is your favourite philosopher? PROFESSOR: It's Hume. ME: Sorry - whom is your favourite philosopher?

What I said: I forgot my book. What the teacher heard: I hate school, I hate you & I don't want to make something out of my life.

Our son came home one day with a note from his first grade teacher: Your son bit another boy today. Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?

Student: "May I go to the toilet?" Teacher: "What for?" Student: "To open the Chamber of Secrets"

I hate you more than the guy that raised his hand after the teacher said we could all go early if there are no more questions.

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you're a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us ENGLISH TEACHER: Why's the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard? ROBOT: [twitch, spark]

Every kid dreads accidentally calling their teacher "mom" but from personal experience, doing it in a rap battle is worse

Teacher: remember class, there are no stupid questions Me: *raises hand* Teacher: i just said, no stupid questions Me: *lowers hand*

[School] Teacher: What's ur biggst fear? Child1: Ghosts! Child2: Dogs! Child3: That humanity's core reaction to misunderstanding is anger

ME: I need to pee really bad TEACHER: can you hold it? ME: probably not. my hands aren't very good at retaining liquid

It would make more sense to put a teacher in every gun shop.

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

STUDENT: Will there be a final? PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods? BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business

If you're able to read this, thank a teacher! If you can do busy work while wasted and watch an unrelated video, thank a substitute teacher!

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

Kid: Mommy's last name must be "Honey" cuz that's what daddy calls her Teacher: That's SWEET. What's her first name? Kid: "Sorry," I think

Just bumped into my old French teacher and she asked me what I'm up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.