Maud Jokes

Auntie Maud bought herself a new rear-engine European car. She took an old friend for a drive but after only half a mile the car broke down. Both women got out and opened up the front of the car. ""Oh. Maud"" said her friend ""you've lost your engine!"" ""Never mind dear"" said auntie. ""I've got a spare one in the trunk.""

I asked old Maud how she lost her husband. She told me her sad story… "Well, he needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know, in order to save my Norman's life. Tragically, I've never known his blood type, so I only had time to sit and say goodbye. I'll never forget how supportive my Norman was. Even as he was fading away, he kept on whispering to me, "Be positive, be positive!" That was my Nor…

Alice is talking to her friend Maud in the local coffee shop. She says “I made a huge mistake at supper last night. I meant to say to my mother- in –law, ‘Please could you pass me some butter?’ Instead it came out, ‘You stupid cow, you have totally ruined my life!’”