cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back me: that doesn't sound like her, she never kept a knife there

Wife just texted me drive slow - cop around the corner so I laughed and showed it to the cop.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over? COP'S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you're scared of the movie COP: Yes it's too real

"911 what's your emergency?" MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! "Okay. I'll send the police" *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY "AT MARIOKART"