"Can't beat fresh apple pie" she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. "Wrong" I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

Based on the number of nurses on twitter, I now know why I'm bleeding to death in the ER.

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy. Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

Fun Fact: The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.