[if my cat tweeted] When "over 38" is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.

A guy calls his girlfriend on the phone.. - Boyfriend: Sweetie, do you know how much I love you? - Girlfriend: How much baby? - Boyfriend: I would go thru fire, swim in the ocean full of sharks, climb all the mountains, survive in the desert like Bear Grylls, fight with bears and lions, even fight with Chuck Norris and all of the expendables cast if I have to, just to see your beautiful smile.. - Girlfriend: Aawww, you're so sweet! Why don't you come over? - Boyfriend: How about tomorrow baby, i…

The talking frog A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, ""If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."" He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, ""If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero"" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, ""…

Plastic parrots A father is talking to his three year old son the week before his birthday. He asks him what he would like as a present, and the boy replies that he would like a parrot. His dad replies that he can't have a real parrot, but searches all around and eventually finds a plastic parrot toy. The boy's mother assures him that it will all be ok and they sit down with their son to open his presents. The father worriedly hands the plastic parrot to his son but the boy immediately loves his…