ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight's penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito? Me: In Alabama? S: Yeah. M: Of course not. Why do you ask? S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

It's hard to get people to visit me in Alabama because the trip 30 to 40 years back in time can be rather arduous.

Little known fact: The toothbrush originated in Alabama. Everywhere else it was called a teethbrush.