Her: What brings you to speed dating? Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy's capital.

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE'S DINNER SHE'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

"No mom I DON'T HAVE a boyfriend!" -lie you tell at 18. "No mom I HAVE a boyfriend!" -lie you tell at 28.