Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

I would be so ashamed if I had a kid who didn't want to be famous.

"Uh-oh!" - My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

Sorry I stuck a cheese puff in your baby's mouth when you couldn't find a pacifier.