The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together

[first date] Him: You're amazing! I'm having a great time! Me: I will fight you for the rest of this pizza.

I'll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.